Daily Joke

My favorite thing to be for Halloween is drunk.

I'm really good at it.

Daily Joke

I'm the kind of person that would signal someone to call an ambulance because I've started choking on an ice cube and then when it's melted swallow another one so I don't look like a complete idiot when they arrive.

Friday Vid

Daily Joke

To the window! To the wall! To my comfy bed I crawl, down this big long hall, aahhh sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep!!

Daily Joke

Dear McDonald's,
Thankyou for not serving hot dogs.. I don't think I could order a 'super-sized Mcweiner' with a straight face.

Daily Joke

Probably the most important lesson I learned as a kid was that three-horns never play with long-necks.

Daily Joke

Tryna be all gangsta but your boner is a distraction cause it's hard to be hard when you're hard.

Daily Joke

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made something out of myself.

Daily Joke

A midget glared at me while he climbed down the wall of a prison.

I thought, "That's a little condescending"

Daily Joke

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

Friday Vid

...next time let granny have her parking spot.

Daily Joke

The more I get to know you, the more I'm convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.

Daily Joke

Do not fix your dark circles. Let the world know you're tired of its sh*t and ready to kill a man.

Daily Joke

Why do elderly people drive like they have all the time in the world, but young people drive like their days are limited?

Daily Joke

Dear Girls who go Tanning,

It's called "sunkissed", not "dorito-raped".

Daily Joke

Ah, Halloween...
The only time of year where girls can take off their makeup and take a walk in public.

Daily Joke

That awkward moment when you thought she'd given you skittles pox but you were wrong it was actually Aids.

Friday Vid

Daily Joke

I just chugged 2 bottles of NyQuil and snorted 1½ grams of cocaine. Let the battle begin!

Daily Joke

1. Adopt/find a sick pet. 
2. Name it Gotham. 
3. Nurse it back to health. 
4. Tell friends you saved Gotham.
5. Become Batman.

Daily Joke

Never underestimate the power of carefully worded nonsense.

Daily Joke

Don't make fun of Columbus. Act like you've never went to the grocery store for spices, got lost, then murdered several million people...

Daily Joke

Just saw a donkey crossing the road.
Cool thing was, he looked both ways before crossing .
What a smart ass.

Daily Joke

I really thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem in my life when I was little.

Daily Joke

Some days, I can conquer the world.
Other days, it takes me 3 hours to convince myself to shower.

Friday Vid

Daily Joke

If I pay $40 for a haunted house tour, I better die.

Daily Joke

If I was a real superhero I'd be Constipation Man 

And stop sh*t from happening.

Daily Joke

Why are all the best basketball players bIack?
Because it involves stealing, shooting and running.

Ahahaha....don't kill me.

Daily Joke

My grandpa asked me about this new disease he keeps hearing about on the news.

I said 'No grandpa, twerking isn't contagious'.

R.I.P. Howard M. Hatley

My friend, my verbal sparring partner, my grandfather. I'll miss you. I love you.

Daily Joke

Isn't it funny how at school they've replaced bIackboards with whiteboards.

Because they work better?

Daily Joke

Don't ever let anyone treat you like a yellow Starburst.
You're a red Starburst.

Friday Vid.....a day late

Daily Joke

That awkward moment when you find out your 9 year old adopted orphan daughter turns out to be a 33 year old Russian murderer.

Daily Joke

Every kid wants to be Batman, Superman or Spiderman. Personally I blame the parents. If parents were better at parenting, kids wouldn't want to be orphans.

Daily Joke

September has ended....sombody better wake up Green Day.