Daily Joke

"Give me your finest meal, money is no concern"

- Me at Taco Bell on payday

Daily Joke

My great-grandfather once got off with forty women in one night.

It was how he survived the Titanic sinking.

Daily Joke

My son used a whole box of tissues last week ... He must be really sick.

Daily Joke

Thanksgiving: Celebrating the genocide of Native Americans across an entire continent.
Americans: Turning a blind eye to murder since 1621 

Daily Joke

I just rinsed off a paper plate, 
if you're wondering how my life is going.

Daily Joke

I remember when cars didn't have cup holders...

You had to drive with the beer between your legs.

Daily Joke

There comes a time of day where you realize your favorite place to be is in your own bed!

Daily Joke

It feels so good to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

Daily Joke

That moment when you accidentally pour too much booze in your mixed drink and you have to tough it out because Momma didn't raise a quitter.

Friday Vid

Is it just me or does this sound like a soundtrack for a BDSM book or something?

"Shot down
She's coming like a hurricane
Shot down
She's in love with the pain"

Reign

So I'm fixing to watch tonights episode of Reign, but I wanted to rant a little bit first.

I can't believe they killed Francis...okay I do believe it because it was historicaly accurate, but still it was mean the way they did it. Save hime one episode just to kill him in the very next one. And again I get it, they were making that guys visions come true... but still, so mean.

Kay. I feel a little better now.

Out Today!

Daily Joke

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

Daily Joke

I don't know if I washed the spider down the drain ...or if he willingly jumped when he saw me naked

Daily Joke

3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep, 1 wants to know if penguins have knees.

Daily Joke

Arguing on the internet is like running in the special Olympics.

Even if you win, you're still retarded.

Daily Joke

A sign in Braille that says "do not touch".

Tomorrow People!!

This comes out tomorrow. I'm reminding you now cause I'll be busy tomorrow. You know..reading this book!!

Friday Vid

Sorry for the delay on everything, changed internet providers.

Daily Joke

I got pulled over by a cop:
Cop: "Papers"
Me: "Scissors"
Cop: "Tazer. Now get the fuck out of the car"

Daily Joke

I got pulled over by a cop:
Cop: "Papers"
Me: "Scissors, I win!", and drove off.

Daily Joke

Daily Joke

There was a guy in the coffee shop this morning, not on his phone, not on a laptop, just sitting there drinking coffee... like a psychopath.

Daily Joke

I really love cats. Cause they don't give a f*ck and I can relate to that.

Attention! Attention!

Seven days. I repeat seven mother fluckin days until this comes out. In case you couldn't tell I'm a little excited....okay a lot excited. Who can blame me?

Daily Joke

At my age 'Getting lucky' is when you enter a room and remember what you went in there for.

Daily Joke

Him: Will u marry me?
Her: No.
*Awkward 3 hour hot air balloon ride*

Daily Joke

I'm not saying that I can preform miracles or anything.....

...but I can turn water into kool-aid

Daily Joke

Reason I'd be kicked out of the Scooby Gang:
Shaggy: Zoinks!
Scooby: Ruh-roh!
Daphne: Jeepers!
Velma: Jinkies!
Me: Well, f*ck!

Friday Vid

Daily Joke

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory?

New.

Season 3 comes on tonight!!

Daily Joke

Whoever thinks money doesn't bring happiness, transfer it to my account.

Daily Joke

What if Stephen Hawkins was the real slim shady but nobody knew because he couldn't stand up?

Daily Joke

I find it funny school textbooks are trying to be racially diverse. "Brad, laquishia, Pablo and Kwan have 15 non-stereotypical fruits"

Daily Joke

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before episodes 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of scheduling Yoda was.

Daily Joke

I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money.

I think I should have chosen my words more carefully.